Elvis Drank it Black!

Shouldn't you?

There was a time when Americans got their artificial stimulants the way Nature intended, with a hardy swig of swampwater, a cup of joe, a little java jumpstart, a sip of the old motion potion.

Cranked up on good honest brew, we've won world wars, built railroads, explored outer space & invented rockn'roll & tuna-potato-chip casserole.

Sure, Grandma might have needed a little cream and sugar to take the edge off her MJB, but if Grandma could see what this generation is doing to the sacred elixir that's made our country great, she'd put out her Chesterfield in your cappucino, take you to the nearest Woolworth's luncheonette counter & make you sit up straight and drink your coffee like a grown-up!

And who can blame her?

Our society has turned its back on traditional caffeinated beverages in favor of slimed up concoctions of pale, syrupy gunk, overpriced pseudo-Continental liquified desserts, glorified ovaltine spruced up with a little jigger of some mamby-pamby espresso.

Is it any wonder this country is mired in debt, our economy is sluggish, our educational system has fallen apart, and FM radio really stinks? And what does our current state of coffee degeneracy bode for generations to come?

It's not a pretty picture!

But there is hope!

This past weekend, I was working on a stack of flapjacks and my 15th cup of the day at Edie's, when a 900 foot Elvis in a kelly green waitress uniform appeared and implored me to bring a message of repentance and salvation to Berkeley's sick-minded swillers of sissified sludge.

Won't you please help my ministry before it's too late? Declare your workstation, car, dorm room, apartment or trailer home a latte free zone. Invoke the power of Elvis to end the desecration of our cherished national libation. If coffee decency is important to you, force your values vociferously on your friends, family and coworkers…

… because sometimes intolerance and narrowmindedness are exactly what the situation calls for.

Kurt "Big Daddy" Vegas-True
Pope
Doe Library Church
of the Latter Day Elvis