Yamgate

OK, we won the prize for the quiche Lorraine, and I know I should feel honored, but I just can't let go.

I can't let go of the yams!!!

How could we not win for the yams?!

OK, maybe I should back up.

Yesterday was the staff picnic. Well, ok, it's probably not a staff picnic like what you're used to. For one thing, there's no food.

Well, almost no food. Every year there's a little less. That's because it's a pot luck, and every year the people who bring food get pissed off because there's all kinds of people who don't bring food who show up. In fact, I think some of the people who show up don't even work here. I mean, if you work here, why would you be wearing a UPS uniform or drinking Thunderbird out of a paper bag?

And so every year, fewer people bring food.

Which is great news for me and Jeffrey!

See, everybody at the picnic gets to vote for a dish in each category (Main, Sides/Salads, Desserts), and the person whose dish gets the most votes wins a gift certificate! So the fewer people who participate, the better your chance to win. See, this is one of those situations where low morale can be your friend!

So anyway, Jeffrey and I worked our butts off Monday night making quiche Lorraine and yams.

Yes! Quiche Lorraine and yams! It sounds crazy, but we knew that the unhealthiest dishes typically get the most votes, so we tried to think of the unhealthiest things we knew how to make. The yams are loaded with sugar and butter, and the quiche Lorraine, well, that stuff is just a brick of coagulated fat. It's got cream, eggs, butter, cheese, half a pound of bacon. It's probably killed more people than the Ford Pinto.

So anyway, we got to work, we were so excited. We just knew we were gonna win two gift certificates. For one thing, we figured we could enter the yams as either a side dish or a dessert. And the quiche we could enter as a side dish or a main course. We figured we'd kind of check out the competition first and then decide which two categories looked the weakest.

Well, like I said, nobody brings squat to this picnic. There was only one other main course, and it didn't even have bacon in it! So we entered the quiche as a main. One gift certificate in the bag!

Then we decided the yams belonged with the side dishes because the side dishes table was just pathetic! A bag of potato chips, some Hormel chili straight out of the can. People were just going through the motions. I've seen better looking buffets at the Salvation Army.

We won for the quiche, obviously, but, shockingly, the yams lost to a salad!

Not even a real salad! Just some cut up tomato and cucumber! Me and Jeffrey slave over a hot stove and we lose to some minced produce?!

Frankly, I'm still bitter.

On the bright side, I had enough leftover half-and-half and eggs that I made some scrumptious fried-in-bacon-fat French toast on Tuesday morning for our student worker, James "Bottomless Pit" Moon.

Look at that big cholesterol-eating grin. That's what makes it all worth while!

Kurt "big daddy" True
14 september 2005