Big Ass Tree

Getting the Christmas tree has always been a horific ordeal, but this year was it was especially painful, both physically and financially.

I pleaded with Tony to let me get the tree from Alberton's on San Pablo. He insisted we go to a lot that would deliver the tree for us.

I said "Delivered? What delivered? We'll tie it to the car!"

"It'll fall off! You have to make that sharp turn on Richmond. And there's a hill!"

"It won't fall off. Trust me. I was a Royal Ranger."

So I haul the tree across the parking lot after tearing off the plastic tag with the bar code on it so Tony can pay for it. There was no sign that said what this particular species of tree cost, but the 7' Douglas Firs were going for $24.99, and I figure this one must be $19.99 or something because it's one of those big fluffy trees, and the big fluffy trees are always cheaper than Douglas firs. I figure I'm making out like a bandit. I got a big ass tree I can barely get on the roof of the car for $19.99. After after all these years of giving in to Tony's demands and paying an arm and a leg to get a tree delivered to the house, I'm finally catching a break.

So I'm half way through tying this thing to the car that looks like something Hoss and Little Joe would have chopped down to make a mule cart out of, and Tony comes out of the Alberton's waving his arms at me.

I walk over there, and he says "It's fifty dollars. I think we should put it back."

I look at Tony, and I look at that big ass tree with the nylon rope coiled around it in tidy professional-grade loops, and I said "Well, I already tied it to the damn car!"

Tony went back into the store cussing under his breath. Then it started to rain.

But at least it didn't fall off the car. And it more or less dried off overnight in the garage.

Does look a little crooked, though. Maybe if turn the crooked part towards the window…

Kurt "big daddy" True
10 december 2004